When the world burns

A week ago we watched as a political protest turned violent and erupted into rioting and looting. We stared in horror as images of burned out shopping centres, factories,and medical centres and mobs of angry people flashed across our screens. My kids asked if they could sleep in my room cause they were scared of the sounds of gunshots, sirens, and screaming coming from our usually quiet little suburb.

Then the fear mongering started. The endless messages and voice notes about how the violence was race related. How we would be murdered in our beds. How the government is trying to kill all of their “enemies”. And then it got worse. We started running out of food and fuel. People queued for hours only to be sent away empty handed. You could smell the fear and desperation in the air. It smelt like burning rubber.

Then out of the ashes came hope. Ordinary people banded together to protect their homes and businesses. The community came together to clean up after the devastating fires. They shared food and resources with each other.

But the feel good insta posts didn’t help my anxiety at all. I had to take a break from all social media because I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function because I had to know if we would be safe. I had to be ready. I packed “go bags”. I don’t know why. We had no where to go. All the major roads had been closed. The fear and anxiety pushed me to a place where I no longer had feelings. I just felt numb all the time. And it didn’t scare me. I was perfectly functional but not ok.

It’s not over. Sporadic violence is still breaking out all over the place. I’m starting to feel like more like a person again, which is good. I hope I can keep it together enough to get through the next week.

I might be broken but I’m still breathing.

This has been a hard week. Suddenly it all became too much, the lockdown, mask wearing, having to disinfect every time I enter the house, not seeing my family, not seeing my friends, and massive amounts of guilt and anxiety.

None of my coping mechanisms are working which is causing more anxiety. And panic. And fear. I can feel myself spiraling into a very dark place and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to regain my equilibrium. And it’s scary. But I can’t afford to have a breakdown right now. I have kids that I need to homeschool, patients that need treatment, parents, friends, and family that I have to touch base with. I have a whole life that needs to be lived and I don’t feel capable of doing that right now. And every night when I sob in the shower I remember that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m not sick, my friends and family are still healthy, I still have a job that pays the bills. And that makes me cry more cause there are so many people that are struggling to survive.

I’m tired. But I have to keep moving. I don’t have a choice right now.

Random musings

Some mornings are made for tea, quiet contemplation while the colour and flavour seeps into the water. Other mornings are for coffee, throwing instant caffeine into a large mug and aggressively drowning the granules, not even allowing time for stirring before scalding your mouth with the devil’s brew.

I’ve had a lot of coffee this week.

And then the going got tough

This has been a horrible week.  It started badly and went downhill fast.  It started on monday morning when I had to put fuel in before I did the school run.  Of course we were already running about 5 minutes late by the time we got to the petrol station.  And then we had to wait to be served and only after filling the tank did the petrol attendant remember to tell me that there was a “small problem” with their mobile card machines.  Apparently they were being a bit slow.  Not a problem, we still had time so I happily handed my card over and was prepared to wait a bit.  Unfortunately “a bit” turned into 20 minutes of trying to get any of the machines to work, discovering that the ATM on the premises was being serviced and the card machines inside the shop were also on a go-slow.  Great stuff.  By this time The Princess was being super whiny as she knew she was late, The Tomboy was moaning cause she wanted to get out of her car seat and the petrol station was filled with angry customers waiting to pay for their purchases.  When we managed to settle our bill I was ready to spit nails I was so mad, I still had to drop the girls of and get to work on time and to top it off I had discovered that I had left my cell phone at home.   Unfortunately that seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day.  I was super frustrated and annoyed with myself so it seemed like I couldn’t get ANYTHING right.  My bad day even followed me to pole class where I battled with even the most basic of moves.  And the week just got worse. The Husbeast came down with a rather nasty bug, I dropped my phone (again), lost The Tomboy’s favourite bottle, couldn’t stick any of my moves in pole class, had the worst hair week EVER and to top it off, The Tomboy has now come down with what the GP suspects is the measles. And those were just some of the low lights.  Great stuff.

I was feeling really sorry for myself, feeling like nothing was going my way, everything I did was wrong, nobody likes me… notice a pattern here? I had somehow managed to personalise EVERYTHING.  I wonder how much of my bad week had to do with my bad attitude.  I have been really annoyed with myself so has it affected the way that people interact with me?  I know that your mood influences the way you see the world so it is entirely possible that my negativity towards myself has caused me to experience a whole lot of “bad things” this week.  *Sigh* so I caused a lot of my own problems cause I was expecting to do things wrong and find fault in myself and others.

I would love to say that I had a massive wake up call, that my pity party was derailed by reality slapping me upside the head (that would make this post so much more dramatic!) but no such luck.  I actually got so depressed and annoyed with myself that I started to dislike the negative, horrible person I was turning into.

So I am going to make some coffee, give the Tomboy her meds, put the Frozen DVD on and enjoy the evening with my family.  No negativity, no beating myself up over things I can’t change, just enjoy the moment and restart tomorrow with a fresh attitude.