I’m fine

Seriously, I actually am. For the first time in a while I feel cool, calm and collected. Still a raging bitch but I’m not angry. Or anxious.

I’ve tried lots of things over the years to manage my anxiety. None of it worked. I don’t have a magic bullet, or even an answer why I feel less anxious now. I cleaned up my diet and started doing daily exercise. I’ve also got a weekly planner. It’s oddly soothing to write down what I’m doing for the week. As plans change and things get added I simply annotate and move on. It’s really cool.

Being nicer

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a nice person. Sure I can be nice, but I’m not a nice person. Apart from suffering from social anxiety, I’m also an introvert, and a very sarcastic person. This is not a good combination

My tactlessness has caused a great deal of discomfort to my family over the years, add the social anxiety on and you really have a problem! I’ve decided to work on being a nicer person in 2021. I have no idea how I will accomplish that but I’ve put it on my “to do list”. That fucking list is so long already, one more thing won’t really matter. Well, that wasn’t nice was it? I can see that I will have my work cut out for me!

Where do I want to be at the end of 2021

Happy. I just want to be happy. Not content or complacent, but happy with where I am in life and what I have achieved. I want to be proud of myself and my achievements. I struggle to be proud of myself, I find it hard to admit when I’ve done something well. I find it very easy to see faults and shortcomings. In 2021 I want to acknowledge my achievements and learn from my failures. I guess I want to more well rounded, I want my life to be more balanced and not feel like I’m on a tightrope all the time, scared to fail, scared to take chances.

I want to be brave. Take chances, take risks, face the outcomes whatever they may be. I want to pick myself up when I fall and carry on fighting. I want to be the hero of my own story, I’m tired of being the damsel in distress. I guess I want to be the protagonist for once, and not feel like a secondary character.

I want to be healthy, in my body and mind. It’s a lot to ask, considering that I’ve been struggling with my work-life balance for a very long time. 2021 is going to be the year that I let go of things that I have no control over. I cannot control the actions of others, only how I react to them.

Proudest moment of 2020

2020 was an interesting year. We spent most of the year inside, worried about the pandemic, worried about our financial situation, worried about the economy, worried about our kids, worried about family, worried about our health. There was a lot on anxiety and worry. But somewhere in all that worry and anxiety and stress, I decided that it was time for me to continue my education. So I enrolled in an edX MicroMasters programme. I have no idea what prompted it, maybe it was the months of feeling useless and bored, or it was because I felt stuck and didn’t know what to do. Either way, I enrolled and I passed my first course. It doesn’t sound like much, but I haven’t actually studied in close to 13 years.

Of course, me being me, I completely stressed myself out about every aspect of it but looking back, I had so much fun! Which is why I’m getting all my supplies together, ready to start my next 2 courses on Monday. I’m really proud of myself. I set a goal and I achieved it. I am great at starting new projects but terrible at actually finishing them. Honestly, it was the best thing that happened in 2020, I started something new and scary and I actually completed the first step. I still have quite a few more courses to do but I’m not worried, I know that I can do this