Home schooling

I have never wanted to be a teacher. My mom is a teacher and I just never saw the appeal of giving up weekends, evenings, and school holidays for other people’s children. And now I have to home school my kids.

I have seen so many Facebook and Instagram posts raving about how amazing it is to home school. How lucky we are to have this opportunity. And I just want to hide in a cupboard and ready trashy novels. I am not a good teacher. I am not an Instagram mom who has hours to prepare lessons and lovingly create worksheets and activities for my kids. Fortunately, we have been really lucky and the kids’s actual teachers have been amazing with the worksheets and lessons that they have prepared.

My kids will tell you, their Dad is way better at teaching them than I am. I am in charge of the schedule, making sure that all the assignments are completed and returned on time. We all know our strengths, mine is making lists. And that’s cool. Gold star for me.

I think that we’re going to be OK

Things are slowly getting better. It feels strange typing that, almost like its a betrayal. Like I should still be in morning for the life we had “before Covid” But humans are amazing, we can adjust to pretty much anything and continue on with our new normal. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad days, I’m still having sleepless nights and sobbing over the smallest things, but at least I am living my emotions instead of bottling everything up and making myself sick. The one thing that I’ve learnt this past year is that I need to acknowledge my feelings and emotions, even if they are dark and horrible. By acknowledging that there is a problem I can start to work through it. Instead of ignoring how I’m feeling and then having a meltdown, hurting myself and my family in the process.

Am I OK today? No. Will I be OK tomorrow? Most probably not. Will it be OK at some distant point in the future? Most definitely.

I might be broken but I’m still breathing.

This has been a hard week. Suddenly it all became too much, the lockdown, mask wearing, having to disinfect every time I enter the house, not seeing my family, not seeing my friends, and massive amounts of guilt and anxiety.

None of my coping mechanisms are working which is causing more anxiety. And panic. And fear. I can feel myself spiraling into a very dark place and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to regain my equilibrium. And it’s scary. But I can’t afford to have a breakdown right now. I have kids that I need to homeschool, patients that need treatment, parents, friends, and family that I have to touch base with. I have a whole life that needs to be lived and I don’t feel capable of doing that right now. And every night when I sob in the shower I remember that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m not sick, my friends and family are still healthy, I still have a job that pays the bills. And that makes me cry more cause there are so many people that are struggling to survive.

I’m tired. But I have to keep moving. I don’t have a choice right now.